Both my hubby and I had children from previous marriages when we met. I had two small boys, and he had 3 older boys. It's never really been an issue for us. Although I will admit that when my kids (now grown) were smaller, it did often still feel like I was a single mum. My husband always provided wonderfully for us, but I never felt that he was quite as committed as a parent as I was to them.
I would not hold it against them. People are more than their previous relationships. Yes children is a large responsibility and I already have that responsibility as I have my own children so really it is not much difference there. I am currently in a relationship with someone who has already got children and coparenting and raising a family together with two different sets of children is difficult at times, but I wouldn't change a thing. My partner is well worth it and our children all benefit from us being together :)
I was a young 20 year old and had minimal life experience. The man I met was a single dad bringing up 2 kids, 6 and 8 on his own, although I did not know this til our first date. When he told me about the kids, it didn't really make me worry, I was actually excited because, after all, I was young and indestructible, and could do anything! My mother had passed away when I was twelve so I felt I could do some good. We got married (against wishes of relatives except my parents - who although warned me it would be hard, were supportive because they saw how much we loved each other). I'm not going to lie, it was extremely hard. I was still a kid myself! The kids also had abandonment issues because their bio mum left them all for another man. I hated the fact that everything I did was judged by his relatives because I was the 'stepmother'. We had our own kid as well. Now 25 years later we are still very happily married and I have a really great relationship with all the kids. In fact, two adult sons are still living at home. The oldest (stepson) is in his 30's and is in the process of moving out with his girlfriend. My 'stepdaughter' got married and I'm now a doting grandmother! Now that I am wiser, I realise I was too young to be a mother to older kids. I was not a mother myself yet, so I had no idea what it was to be a mother. Despite my good intentions, I was not equipped emotionally. Now, in my forties, I would have been a 'different' mother because I now know how to 'be a mother', and of course, I'm more mature. It was so hard being a mother to rebellious teenagers in my twenties! That said, as an older woman who has had children, it would be easier to adjust to being a stepparent, than if you've never parented before. I never thought there was anything wrong with marrying someone with kids, but my husband has told me he used to be treated as a 'second class citizen' just because he had kids! I'ts funny, coz deep down I don't want my kids to marry anyone with kids because I know how hard it can be! Luckily, my husband is a wonderful supportive husband and father. Now that the kids have grown up, we are all closer than ever, and other people are in awe of our family.
I never intended to enter a relationship with a woman who had children but was tricked into it by a woman who forgot to tell me during a 3 month internet courtship and 2 dates. Unfortunately I had fallen deeply in love with her by then and decided to accept the risk. The boy was good and liked the idea of a man around to stick up for him.
The girl was the most evil cunning person I have ever suffered. As hard as I tried she invested every waking minute making my life hell. During a period when I was going through radiation treatment with my hair falling out and feeling scared for my future her comment to me was that she was looking forward to dancing on my grave. So in answer to your question no I would never trust any person in a relationship again especially one with children involved.
To kstew, I hope you are ok now. Sorry to hear this happened to you.
To Happy Mom, I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I had a really wonderful stepmother after my Mum died and I just wanted to 'pay it forward'.
It didn't happen overnight to get the love and recognition from the children, but it did happen. So I feel it was all worth it - thank God.
When I was younger, before I got married would have said yes. But seeing how this has affected some of my friends and other people I know I now would say no. I have seen how baby fathers and baby mamas have affected their Ex lover's marriage relationship.
I was a single mum of two children in their early 20's when I met my future husband who was a widower bringing up two children, aged 16 and 10. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I was in love. 20 years later we are still very happy and I think the secret of my success with his kids was to never try to be their mother, just their friend. If I had it to do all over again, I would with no hesitation. But you must be honest, if you think you might resent the children and cannot love them unreservedly, don't commit to the relationship. The children are the innocent parties and deserve and need so much more.