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Is it ever ok to reach out to an ex while in a committed relationship?

by Vee (follow)
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Some years after a casual liaison with an acquaintance, a friend has come to deeply regret the way things transpired between him and his then lady-friend. He would like to reach out to her to offer an apology and gain some closure. However, he is afraid that he will deeply hurt his current partner, to whom he is deeply and unquestionably committed.

Is it ever ok to reach out to an ex while in a committed relationship?

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I would recommend to leave it alone. An apology all these years later after she would have gotten on with her life is only going to stir up old emotions for her and I can't see it doing her any good. If he needs closure for himself, maybe he could write her a heartfelt letter and then burn it or something symbolic like that to get the closure he needs.
I was good friends with my ex husband for many years, and I think, depending on the individual circumstances, and the confidence of the new partner, that it is OK to reach out while in another relationship.
However I do NOT think it OK to discuss that other person and your problems.
Your question is about past relationships, and I think that is OK provided you tell your current partner.
by Finy
Finy, by 'However I do NOT think it OK to discuss that other person and your problems.' Do you mean that it is not ok to reach out to an ex and discuss one's current partner and problems?
by Vee
I did sort of contradict myself didnt I!
by Finy
Haha, just a tad. But I understand and agree. Talking to an ex about the problems you are experiencing with your current partner certainly is not a good idea.
by Vee
Totally agree with Sarah.
The time for apologizing has gone. No need to ruffle old feathers.
To offer an apology is a wonderful thing to do.

But! if the closure is for him, he needs to be sure it will not hurt her again!

I am ALL for saying sorry,but he needs to ask what 'impact' will it have on the one he is saying sorry too?
As for the lady he is now with, one would really hope she can see it is a
heart felt issue for him.
I have done it to once, and it was great for me!!...but I felt it left my ex with a
deep sadness, after talking to him.

I would say it is in this case 50-50.It could be a great idea for him, and her.
Or just for him.

Only he can make that call.

He knew her, so he must make the choice,it is that simple.
You're right jonaj. The only thing is, the relationship was very brief and they didn't get to know each other well. It was more physical than anything else. He feels that they each used the other and failed to connect on an emotional level. So while he 'knows' her, he doesn't really, and is not sure how she will respond.
by Vee
Apologies can be made in different ways.
Face to face is good for him, maybe not her.....a special hand written one, could also be less full on.One done on nice paper, and good handwriting.
Often when people face us in person, it can have some ill effects. I have to say it is confronting and I would not like it for myself.
by jonaj
What if he were to bump into her accidentally on purpose?
by Vee
No, he still hasn't figured out what to do.
by Vee
I think he is not 100% thinking really of her.
He 'wants' to see her, and talk to her.

by jonaj
So he went to see her. They managed to have an open and honest conversation - at least he hopes it was just that. He didn't quite get the closure for which he was hoping. In fact, he said that it opened up another can of worms. Regardless, he was able to say his piece and apologise to her so he doesn't regret his decision.
by Vee
Well if it is an ex you left them for a reason. And if you are reaching out to them, then it probably be something in the line of moral support or an ear. I don't see why that should be a problem. An ex is exactly that - someone of the past who you know and could still be a good friend!
It depends on how the ex became the ex!

I personally wouldn't do it, unless we both ended things on amicable terms. Things can get really messy if the ex was a bad idea to begin with.
No. It isn't. If you are in the right relationship you should be able to discuss anything with your partner.
It's not that he can't discuss certain things with his current partner; it's that he feels he needs to apologise to his ex for the way he treated her and to get closure.
by Vee
No. It isn't. If you are in the right relationship you should be able to discuss anything with your partner.
Yes, it's okay as long as you're not getting in to some 'hankie Pankie".
There's nothing wrong with maintaining a good freindship with your Ex as long as its done with your current partner.
Shane LeRoy
Maintaing a relationship with your ex and including your partner? I don't know how that would work. I imagine My husband would want nothing to do with people I've been involved with.
by Vee
No.
I don't think so. Let go and move on with your life.
This is just begging for trouble. A fire that once burnt before can be easily rekindled.
True.
by Vee
I'm not really qualified to answer this question as I don't have any "Exs", but I guess it depends on the circumstances, personalities and relationship dynamics at play.
by kimp
No. My friend is divorced and has remarried. Her ex would talk to her about his marriage problems as he remarried too. Every time he came to see his son he would talk about his new partner and she really didn't care. He was not her problem anymore. That relationship is over so best to keep it that way.
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