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Do you think it's OK to check up on your partner?

by annep (follow)
Advice (63)      Relationship (37)      Behaviour (31)      Security (14)     


texting, cheating, checking up on a partner


Many people believe being in a committed relationship gives them the right to check up on their partner. This detective activity can come in the form of overhearing conversations, checking their partner's mobile and emails, or sneaking around with personal stuffs like wallet and clothes.

Worries about cheating partners, being overprotective, insecurity are some of the reasons for this to happen.

So what do you think? Does entering a commitment mean you should surrender your privacy?


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I got to a point in my life where I don't really care. Most the time we share things about what we do and if he doesn't say anything then it is not important. And it is not always important to know everything about what your partner is doing. I prefer to focus on things I enjoy doing, and doing as a family!
You would be surprised to hear that many couples break up just because one of them feels that their privacy is violated. The jealousy following by inquisitive questions might be endearing at first, but after a while, things get old.
Before considering the sensibility of sharing in a relationship, I must admit that I myself would not be very happy being investigated all the time. Kept to a limit and your action might be considered a caring gesture, but develop a habit of it and you will find that the activity will soon turn into intolerable. That is when conflicts happen.
I think trust is very important in a relationship, and that everyone has a right to personal privacy. You don't cease to be your own person just because you're in a committed relationship.

Being extremely controlling (reading a partner's private messages, constantly wanting to know where they are and who they are with etc.) can be signs of a manipulative or abusive relationship. That is not okay, whether the person being controlling is a man or a woman. If your partner is behaving that way you may need to seek help.

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert
I meant to add, in Australia the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
I don't think there is any harm in sharing email passwords, etc. An open and committed relationship should not be afraid of investigations and checks. If it can help raise a level of trust, then why not.
There needs to be trust. I only call my partner if I happen to have a bit of time to kill in the city, after doing any errands. I just call to see if he wants to have lunch etc. He likes that. If he is sick, I let him rest. I don't check up on him.
I make some calls in private because there are some people I can talk to on certain subjects and get advice if I need it more than others. If I'm asked who I'm speaking to, I'll tell whoever but it hardly ever happens because the private stuff has already been discussed then whoever may be listening can hear the rest. From my conversation they will know who I'm talking to anyway.
If you have good reason to be suspicious then I'd say yes you should check up on them. How else are you to find out if something is going on? If they are doing something wrong and you just ask them they could simply lie. But you do need good reason. It's not right to just keep tabs on someone you are with just because you want control and have your own personal trust issues. Normally when a person is cheating or going behind your back with something they will lie, so in this case I think you do have a right to find out what's going on, even if it does mean perhaps looking at their phone or emails. But you don't have to do this behind their back. You should confront them, and perhaps ask them to show you. If they refuse without reason, then you know you've got a problem. This is the opinion I've developed after experiencing problems like this myself and also witnessing friends go through it.
It probably say more about the state of the person checking up rather than the person being checked on. I'd say no it's not alright - you could ask them if you were worried...
Trust is very important in a relationship. I dont think it is a good practise to check upon your partner.
Trust is very important in a relationship. I dont think it is a good practise to check upon your partner.
I have to admit that I have done this.

In the particular circumstances my suspicions were correct, and we ended up parting ways.

I do not like checking up on anyone however feel it may sometimes be necessary depending on the circumstances.
by Finy
My husband and I tell each other everything, so I don't feel there is a need to check up on him. We trust each other. We aren't paranoid about what each other is doing. We always say who was on the phone ( including mobile phone calls ) and tell each other where we are going each day. Beyond that, I have no desire to have him followed or anything. That would be really bizarre!!!
Your a Fool if you don't.
Absolutely
by fran.
IMHO, if you feel you've GOT to do that, there's no trust, & the sooner you part ways, the better, 'coz it ain't goin' to improve, just get worse.

I assume the question relates to 'cheating' with another person.
There're other reasons' for one to check up on the other, though.
Yeah there other reasons other than relationships. There's finances etc., all manner of things. Besides, I like to check just in case he hasn't told me every single thing he has been up to in a day, like maybe he has had a better day that I have.
by fran.
I don't think anyone has the right to invade one's privacy. I would never open my husband's mail, nor he mine. He doesn't have a mobile and I'm often missing for hours (shopping or just chatting with someone). I'm never queried as to where I've been or who with. Likewise I don't ask either. We do have separate interests so often don't see one another for hours. I'd be concerned if he started asking where and who I was with bbcause that would show lack of trust.
My husband and I were married for 49 years before his death. I never felt the need to check up on him and, as far as I know he never checked up on me. We used to call each other daily while still in the workforce - but that was for a chat not to check up on each other. I think if you feel the need to do that there are some serious trust issues in your relationship, not to mention the invasion of privacy.
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